Jet Lagged Toilet Adventures
I’ve never been so jet lagged in all my life. I feel completely useless, and it’s a shame because I haven’t really been up for going out in the evenings that much because I’ve just been so tired. It doesn’t help that everybody here waits until around 10pm to go out. In England it’s only really the gays that go out that late (after spending two hours ironing their jeans).
So I’ve just really managed to do all of the touristy things during the day, which were great but not at all funny or “entertaining” enough to write about. The Blue Parrot hostel where I’m staying is great and really sociable. I’m in a 10 bed on-suite mixed dorm, and I’m awakened most days to the sound of a female peeing (my bed is the closest to the toilet). Early one morning a girl accidently let out a tiny fart while on the toilet, followed by a quite muttering of “sorry” to herself. Being the mature man that I am I cracked up, then realising my error I quickly turned over, pulled up the duvet and feigned sleep as she exited the toilet.
Paranoid of making my own loud toilet noises and more importantly not wanted to fill the dorm with a post poo stench from high hell itself (my housemate gave me a set of matches to use every time I go number two back home) I decided to use public restrooms instead. Surprisingly, I found this is the best way to see most of Sydney. Over the past few days I’ve managed to see all of the landmarks and attractions, not for their beauty, or historical significance but because I needed a dump and they usually provide the most clean and adequate facilities. I’ve seen the Opera house every day this week (sometimes twice a day) purely because it has the best public W.C’s.
On my explorations to find public toilets I’ve managed to mix in with the locals and get a taste of their culture. I’ve been to some amazing art museums, walked the harbour bridge, and worked out that most Australians are either called Neville or Frazer. I’ve seen painted Aborigine’s perform semi-naked with their didgeridoo’s over a hip-hop electronic backing track as they have done for hundreds of generations.
What’s with the didgeridoo anyway? Aborigines’ have inhabited Australia for thousands of years and that’s the best instrument they’ve come up with in all that time? A big hollow stick? They didn’t even think of putting a few holes along the top to make it like some giant recorder? At least then they might be able to produce a variety of different notes and tunes instead of sounding like a big fat man repeatedly blowing his nose.
On Saturday here in Sydney it was coincidently the largest Gay and Lesbian parade in the world. Honestly, I had no idea whatsoever that this event coincided with my visit to this city and I certainly didn’t know that the area where I’m staying would be flooded beyond comprehension with little gay shaven heads and stocky trouser wearing butch lesbians.
The hostel was heaving with people (straight and gay) who had just come up for the weekend to see the parade. One very Indian looking Canadian in my dorm room was talking to three other girls who were getting all dressed up in preparation for the parade. He was trying to get some sort of sex-based conversation going with them in a vain attempt to flirt. Failing, he tried to get me involved in his conversation for some reason (I was happily reading my book – ‘Introduction to Neuro Linguistic Programming’ and didn’t really want to be disturbed).
“Are you going to the Gay and Lesbian parade today?” he asked.
“I’m not sure, I don’t think so”
“BUT it’s the BIGGEST gay and lesbian parade in the whole world!”
And that’s really supposed to convince me? “I don’t think it’s my sort of thing” I quietly replied.
“What, are you afraid that gay men are going to hit on you?”
“Ha! I’m sure gay people don’t go around hitting on everyone in sight. No, I’m just not that into parades” I lied, I didn’t actually fancy spending 3 hours watching a load of benders prance about on a float with their arse cheeks cut out of their leather trousers.
I could tell this guy was baiting me by trying to get me to say something hugely anti-homosexual to show me up in front of the three girls, making me come across as deeply conservative and narrow minded thus putting him in their favour as the most liberal therefore more attractive guy in the room (Yep, I think in weird ways).
Being experienced enough to recognise the game he was playing I didn’t rise to it. Any male purposefully setting up another guy for a fall just to have a faint chance of getting his willy wet isn’t worth anyone’s time.
“I might go later” I said, “If I don’t like it I could always walk in the opposite direction to the parade so I can watch it in fast forward”. He didn’t get my joke.
Tags: jet lagged, toilet
